April's Poem

                                  I wanted you too much

I think my heart knows why you just had to go

Has to be because I had longed for you so.

Wanting anything so much is just tempting fate.

So strong my yearning, my pain just as great.

Month after month of negative tests

Yet still your daddy hoped for the best.

Nearly three years of being told no.

You can’t imagine the thrill as that line started to show.

I didn’t believe it could really be true

But that second test screamed we had finally made you.

I couldn’t stop shaking from the joy and the fear.

Something so precious and fragile was here.

We wanted time to get our heads around it.

Before the chance to be able to shout it.

To tell the world I was pregnant at last.

But my heart was lifted, then broken so fast.

Empty, hurting in every way I could be.

Finding it hard not to blame it on me.

Was it my fault we will never touch

My baby gone I wanted you too much.

How Much Pain.

                          How much pain

How much pain can one heart hold.
Are there separate compartments for new and for old.
You work you way through it and think you've reached the end.
Believing you are in the place you heart can mend.
Paper over the cracks and try filling the holes.
But some are so deep, they go straight through your soul.

Your arms feel so empty, almost like they aren't yours.
You fight back the tears, but they come even more.
Hide from the world as they seem not to care.
Even when face to face it feels like you aren't there.
Why is it wrong, why such a sin.
Why should I hide that I'm missing him.

The world keeps on turning and life still goes on.
People don't understand why that seems so wrong.
Something massive is missing, my whole world is changed.
My heart is broken, yet to some people that's strange.
Strange I still grieve the loss of my son.
Strange that at times I still cry for my mum.
My pain does not go just because they don't remember.
Grief is the price for a love that's forever.

I know some people do not know what to say.
Some use that as an excuse for just turning away.
I can't understand because I am not the same.
Could never bring myself to add to someone's pain.
Avoiding the subject is not what I need.
Thinking my baby's forgotten just makes my heart bleed.
I need to hear his name mentioned as much as can be.
It might be boring for you, but it's everything to me.
Especially the days I feel like I'm going insane.
Hurting all over please just say my son's name.

The poem I wrote for Bailey's funeral, read out by his brothers.

 Rainbow

They say a rainbow comes after a storm.

But we are left in the rain now our rainbow is gone. 

For four months our rainbow shined so bright. 

But he was just too little for the fight.

He gave us hope and true moments of joy. 

Now our hearts ache for our little boy.

My arms feel empty, my head is a mess.

I look to the future and see only distress.

I want him back, I need him near.

The storm seems endless without him here. 

Our precious boys have lost their brother.

I feel lucky to have them and be their mother. 

But he is mine too and has his place.

Part of me forever, cannot be replaced.

Now I sit planning his funeral instead of his birth. 

My rainbow was too fragile to stay long on earth. 

The Day you were due.

                    The day you were due

The day before Father's Day I took my millionth test.
Fully expecting a negative, disappointing like the rest.
Standing there just waiting, staring at the floor.
Running out the bathroom to show Daddy what I saw.
A pink line, a pink line!oh my god I saw a line
Faint but Daddy saw it too on that test of mine.

That day we had a party at your nan and granddad's house.
Was so hard to keep you secret, the words were burning in my mouth.
Days of people offering a drink
Me saying no and knowing what they would think.
Telling only those near and dear.
Another loss, our biggest fear.
But days went by, the weeks did too.
Started to relax and look forward to you.
Had early scans, so glad to have peep.
Seeing your heartbeat, sheer relief made me weep.

Waiting to announce you to everyone else.
After the reassurance of week number 12.
But for us that comfort was never given.
Looking at the screen watching your little legs kicking.
I could not stop smiling till that look on her face.
Her telling me we would have to come back to that place.
Something was not right, something that shouldn't be.
Another specialist we would need to see.
A quiet room, a worried look.
Midwife talked of goodbyes as we cried and shook.

More tests, more scans, more images of you.
Believing in my heart you would make it through.
Our family holiday, our last as just five.
Flying home just you and me,your poor nanny had suddenly died.
Daddy and your brothers were just so far away.
But at least you were with me as I fought through those days.
Telling your granddad you were the hope through our grief.
Feeling you moving kept up that belief.

Test results saying my son was okay.
Only convinced me more you were so meant to be.
Seeing my mum in her coffin the morning before your last scan.
Seemed so unreal like only death can.
As your Daddy and I looked at the screen, I knew it already, all hope just a dream.
She tried to tell me you were only asleep.
But if I'd been standing I would have collapsed in a heap.
Another doctor, and another damn quiet room.
Waiting and knowing there was nothing but gloom.
Telling us the words no mother's heart can hear.
My loss now truth instead of just fear.

You stayed there inside me at your nanny's goodbye.
Keeping my heart together and not letting me cry.
There very next day, hospital again.
Giving me meds and telling me when.
When my baby boy would be born sleeping.
Those hours and days were both fast and creeping.
Then rushing back there when you just would not wait.
Same day we collected Mum's ashes, maybe the pain was too great.
But you changed your mind, wanted just one more night.
Just us and your daddy, in hospital till light.
The very next morning you came with such speed.
No help from the doctors, there was just no need.
You waited to come until it was only us three.
Too precious a moment for anyone else to see.

Those hours with you could never last long enough.
Even before I held you I was already in love.
The vicar that blessed you and the midwife were kind.
But it all felt unreal, like it was all in my mind.
I couldn't leave until they took you away.
If they hadn't I would still be sat there today.
Days and weeks followed that day in a blur.
My heart torn in half grieving for both you and her.

A month after Mum's funeral, came the day it was yours.
I spent hours with you but still needed more.
They let me take you home for the night.
Felt more natural than I thought it might.
We read you a story, the Billy Goats Gruff.
I rocked you and sang trying to show you my love.
We placed you where you cot should go.
Your place with us we wanted you to know.

That morning came despite my prayer.
Wanted to keep you forever and not have to share.
You had pride of place with your candle burning bright.
Your rainbow flowers, the only thing that was right.
I had planned it all, found the perfect song.
A poem from my heart, but it all was so wrong.
So proud of your brothers as they together stood there.
Reading my words, could not bring myself to share.
The curtains closed as my heart ripped open.
Yet to everyone else I was the one that was coping.
I wanted to grab you and run out that door.
How I just left you I don't know anymore.

Now I cling to the strangest of things.
Just hearing your name, makes my broken heart sing.
The thought of anyone forgetting and I just can't breathe.
We visit your memorial and it kills me to leave.
I see you in rainbows, whatever their form.
Can't help counting the days till you should have been born.

I can share this with the world, but each word is for you.
To say my love grows beyond the day you were due.

You Matter.

                       *You Matter*

It hurts so deeply when they won't say your name.
They talk about your brothers, but to me you are the same.
As much my child as the other three are.
From my heart or mind you are never far.

I don't know why they can't see you as I do.
Why do they think it is best if they just ignore you.
It's like losing you more every time you're denied.
I try to keep all the pain and anger it causes inside.
But why should I pretend that it's ok.
That your precious name is so hard for them to say.

I say it myself in my head and out loud.
So it is easy to say and makes me so proud.
You matter to me, I just hope you know.
I do all that I can to make sure that it shows.
You matter to me and
I do not care who knows!